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What's the Right Thing to Ask?

1/1/2018

11 Comments

 
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While out walking my dog, a neighbor asked how Jake was doing. Agitated, she blurted out, “What’s the right thing to do, should I ask or not ask?” Opiate addiction is indeed frightening.

​She appeared to brace herself though I calmly replied Jake seemed to be doing well. She sighed and relaxed. That’s what she wanted to hear. And that’s all I know to say. After all, given the symptoms of addiction—secrecy, lies and shame—how do any of us really know how our addicted loved ones are doing?

I’m working hard on rebuilding trust, reminding myself of healthy boundaries, and respecting Jake’s privacy.

Just before several recent holiday gatherings, I told my son if friends and family have questions about him, I’d redirect them to him. And they do ask.

“If we see him take a drink, should we go talk to him?” one relative asked me. Responses are still not automatic for me because many confusing concepts around addiction have taken me years to grasp. I pondered.

Jake may make risky decisions even with his extensive understanding of his addiction (and because of the symptoms of the disease) but he gets to choose his own life. And for the most part we need to stay out of it. Jake is 26 years old, an adult, financially independent, making his own decisions; his life is his business. If he wishes to discuss his recovery with the entire family or with friends, he will. Let him be the one to bring it up.

I responded, “Better to focus on your own life and give him the right and respect to live his, whatever the consequences. If you saw a diabetic eat a cupcake, would you tell him not to?” Some people have diabetes and some people have substance use disorders. These diseases are only a small part of who our loved ones are.

It’s been hard for me to learn that I need to live my life no matter what my son chooses to do with his. I’ve come to understand THAT is the most effective way to be supportive. My son is not a bad person trying to be good; he’s a sick person trying to get well. Knowing that turns criticism into compassion.

Still the questions come. A friend asked, “I want to be supportive to you. What’s the right thing to say or ask?” I thought for a long while before replying, “Just ask me how I’m doing.” 

11 Comments
Lynn link
1/1/2018 12:58:28 pm

Well said, amazed how addiction effects us all the same way. There doesn't seem to be one person that has a different story. Where do you speak nationally?

Reply
D'Anne Burwell
1/1/2018 01:13:13 pm

You're right, there are so many variations of this same story going on across the country. So many of us with the same emotions. If you check out the "News" tab on this Saving Jake book website you'll see the listing of my speaking events there. Thanks for your comment.

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Maryann
1/1/2018 05:40:58 pm

OMG, the line in your book when you wondered to yourself if providing a stamp was enabling was soooo me!! It made me smile and tell myself that I am not the only one who has thought this! Thank you!

D'Anne Burwell
1/1/2018 07:36:55 pm

Maryann, I'm also glad to know (from your comment) that I'm not the only one who agonizes over those details! I remember wondering if I should leave in the book the part about worrying whether I should bring Jake a sweatshirt in rehab. No detail is too small I guess. Happy Saving Jake resonates!

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Cathy Taughinbaugh link
1/6/2018 08:13:33 am

Thank you for sharing your experience with the neighbor and your relative. This is the day to day issues that come up when our kids are in recovery.

Love this line, "It’s been hard for me to learn that I need to live my life no matter what my son chooses to do with his." We can help our kids, and we can be a support as they move forward, yet I agree, we do need to set them free. That is the only way they will take on the responsibility needed to move forward in a healthy way.

Happy New Year to you. I wish you all the best in 2018!

Reply
D'Anne Burwell
1/6/2018 09:49:23 am

Yes, Cathy, that line is something to strive to live by. Some days are much harder than others. It's truly a guiding principle which helps me find the way forward, and I've seen with my own eyes that focusing on living my own life helps my son too. Happy New Year to you too!

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Marshall Pollack
1/7/2018 12:12:44 am

Thank you for what you do.My son Adam relapsed through 13 rehabs in the last 5 years before succumbing to his disease this past October.
I could talk for hours about the lack of dual diagnosis based rehabs and living with an addict.
But I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story which is all too common

Reply
D'Anne Burwell
1/7/2018 01:43:06 pm

Marshall, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Such a long battle. I hope you find support to "talk for hours" to let out your frustration at our nation's inadequate system for those suffering, and to let out your heartbreak. It is simply unimaginable that overdose deaths are all too common. I will keep writing and talking about it to help bring awareness to the desperate change that is needed.

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Deb
1/11/2018 02:20:25 pm

I just started reading your book. I have been trying to wrap my brain around the way an addict's mind works and have been reading everything I can find. My nephew is 26. He started with Oxy and moved to heroin. He got in legal trouble, got clean, stayed clean for a few years, got married, and had two kids. Then, he ran into the wrong people who have introduced him to meth. More legal problems. A divorce. Little children who dearly love their dad and miss him like crazy because he doesn't come around or show up for his supervised visitations. Oh, the ups and downs of loving an addict! This particular nephew spent a lot of time in my home as a child because his mother, as a nurse, worked nights, weekends, and holidays. I have always been particularly close to this nephew and he was such a cheerful, fun-loving, laid-back child to have around. My heart aches for him, for his children, for his family - including me. I waffle between wanting to lock him in a room and keep him there until he regains some sense of sanity, to never speaking to him again. The overwhelming desire and despair to figure out a way to "fix" him has caused me many sleepless nights. He has no health insurance, so no in-patient rehab is available for him in our area, even if he wanted treatment. When my phone rings, I expect it will be a call saying he's dead or he's OD'd and in the hospital. Our lives are forever changed and deeply saddened because of Oxy, heroin, and now meth. He lies. He steals. He doesn't care about anything except his drugs. I thought for sure the love he has for his children would have been the catalyst to keep him clean forever. It's amazing to see how little they mean to him now. I feel the need to DO something. I don't have the talent to write a book as you did. I don't have any amazing talents, actually, that would help in the area. But the statistics are overwhelming. There are so many of us wading through this nightmare and we're all lost souls, looking for answers, a kindred spirit, a shoulder to lean on, hope for a better future. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you continue to post updates about how your family is faring. Through your story, you now feel like family.

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D'Anne Burwell
1/11/2018 02:53:39 pm

Deb, I'm glad you found Saving Jake because I believe when you finish the book you will have a greater understanding of addiction and therefore your nephew. You have described what so many loved ones experience... the frustration, disappointments and fear. My heart goes out to you, your nephew, his children and his family. He doesn't want to hurt all of you but he is powerless over his disease. If love could heal addiction there wouldn't be millions suffering. SO, I hope you keep learning all you can. I urge you to go to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon support group to learn how you can be supportive because what you can do or not do can feel counter intuitive. Just like your nephew needs understanding, compassion and treatment, YOU also can't do this alone. You need support and the wisdom of those who've gone before you. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story.

Reply
Deb
1/11/2018 03:38:56 pm

Thank you for your reply. Wishing you and your family continued healing and hope.




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    D’Anne Burwell is the author of the award-winning SAVING JAKE: When Addiction Hits Home, a memoir about her family’s struggle with addiction. She speaks nationally about the impact of drug addiction on  families. She mentors parents struggling with addicted children. D’Anne believes that treatment not only works, it saves lives.

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Saving Jake: When Addiction Hits Home • ISBN: 978-0-9962543-0-4
8.5" x 5.5" trade paperback • 314 pages • $14.99
D'Anne Burwell © 2015-2023. All rights reserved.