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A Mother's Quandary

11/1/2017

10 Comments

 
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​Last night I worried for a 20-year-old boy who was sleeping in the park. His mother called me just as I was about to climb into bed.

She was twisting in agony over what to do because her son greatly needed a sleeping bag.

She’d desperately hoped he would choose to return to rehab. He was asking to stay with her but she knew that even cooking him a meal would crumble her carefully-built resolve. Much as she wanted to cradle him in her arms and offer him a warm bed, she’d learned if she helped make him comfortable he would not go back to treatment. She also knew that her son was sick, consumed by the disease of addiction.

So she’d told him he couldn’t stay at her house. 

She sounded strong and clear, quite different from a few years earlier when she was thin as a pin, sinking down under the double distress of an alcoholic husband and a son’s growing drug addiction.

I’d experienced a similar situation when my own son had broken the rules at one treatment facility and they’d asked him to leave. He was facing 3 nights on his own—in a little town in the Rocky Mountains in the dead of winter—before a sober house had an open bed. He wanted money for a motel but I’d said “No.” I told this boy’s mother nothing had ever felt so heartbreaking or so harsh yet I’d learned it didn’t help to cushion his downward slides.

Now a rehab in another town was offering her son a bed in 5 days’ time.

She hung on to this sliver of hope. She wanted to point him toward a shelter but there isn’t one in our community. There isn’t a detox center or a rehab either. And this one 15 miles away didn’t have any available beds when he greatly needed one.

She wanted to keep her son safe and warm. Many of us find ourselves in this same quandary: How do we stay out of the chaos, and convey steady love and encouragement when our communities are without good local treatment centers? Our sick sons and daughters need to walk into rehab on their own because we can’t do that for them. Addiction is a disease where protecting an addict doesn’t work but timely treatment does.

Five nights in the park appeared to be the only option. Still in turmoil, this mother decided to leave the sleeping bag on her doorstep where her son could get it.

10 Comments
Nicole Clarke link
11/6/2017 08:30:51 pm

When the lines between loving your child vs enabling them become blurry. You write beautifully.

Reply
D'Anne
11/7/2017 10:02:42 am

Thank you, Nicole. I keep writing to spotlight what's going on everywhere with families dealing with addiction.

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Ella Rothwell
11/8/2017 11:23:25 am

Thank you. Keep writing. In the secret world of addiction, so many families keep quiet. I'm convinced more talking is needed, not for sympathy but for strength and clarity.

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D'Anne
11/10/2017 05:36:13 pm

You're welcome, Ella, and thanks for your comment! You're so right, so much compassion is needed and talking openly will help get us all to strength and clarity through better understanding of what families are going through right now.

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Tami Routhier
11/12/2017 01:40:36 pm

Thank you for inviting me to share this journey/your thoughts on this Blog...I don't know what's worse...a child in denial....or the treatment centers/insurance companies in denial...my son begged for help....but the powers that be said he wasn't sick enough...out patient would be best for him...so NOT true...(

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D'Anne
11/12/2017 02:53:31 pm

Tami, I know exactly what you mean and sorry you've been through this too. When my son finally decided he needed help, our insurance company denied anything more than a week in treatment (even though our policy explicitly covered 30 days). I include this debacle in Saving Jake and I'm so sorry to hear this same story continues. Thanks for bringing it up here. I hope your son has found help somehow.

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A
1/16/2018 11:43:33 am

So, if your kid had cancer and needed you 24/7, you’d throw them out of their home, with only a sleeping bag and the clothes on their back?

Reply
D'Anne Burwell
1/16/2018 02:28:42 pm

No, if my child had cancer I'd take him/her to a hospital for treatment. I'd sit by his bed, hold his hand, and ask the doctor how I could best help. I would not administer my own medicine. If he ran out of the hospital, I'd try to take him back. If he continued to run out each time, I'd realize that was not working and learn all that I could about his disease. I would not give up. I'd consult the professionals. I hope you continue to learn about the cunning and powerful disease of addiction.

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Cathy
2/25/2018 11:14:31 am

I'm so glad to have found another well-written, insightful bog about addiction. We are trying to enter a new phase with our 28 year-old son, after being at this in one form or another, for almost 10 years. We have gradually weaned him-and ourselves-from all financial support, and have been clear about supporting only those things that support recovery: therapy, sober house rent, etc. He is currently seeking sobriety "his way," and I am working hard to be OK with that. It is, after all, his life, and I'm trying to let him be in charge of it. Hard, hard, hard. But we have given him all the tools he needs over the past years, and he can reach into that toolbox and use them whenever he's ready. For now, I'm staying focused on my own recovery! Just for today :)

Reply
D'Anne
2/25/2018 11:58:56 am

You've said it exactly, "hard, hard, hard." You've described such tremendous work you are all doing! Good for you. I hope you take a look at some of my other blogs because they touch on some of these same issue of staying in your own lane. Thanks for commenting.

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    D’Anne Burwell is the author of the award-winning SAVING JAKE: When Addiction Hits Home, a memoir about her family’s struggle with addiction. She speaks nationally about the impact of drug addiction on  families. She mentors parents struggling with addicted children. D’Anne believes that treatment not only works, it saves lives.

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Saving Jake: When Addiction Hits Home • ISBN: 978-0-9962543-0-4
8.5" x 5.5" trade paperback • 314 pages • $14.99
D'Anne Burwell © 2015-2023. All rights reserved.